Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Unraveling the Knots Inside Me

If I could describe the innermost feeling I have as a result of the unique position I find myself in, in today's complex and confusing world, it would be that there is a ball of string in my chest, knotted and chaotic and inert, overwhelmingly dense, like tectonic plates mashing against each other, ready to explode.  There are many reasons contributing to the knotting of this ball inside me.  Some are of my own making, and some are of the external world.  Time has passed, and with it I have undertaken certain trajectories that have at time either exacerbated or relieved the problems within. 

Having several wrenching conversations with my sister the past few days, I have come to some conclusions about my recent history.  She asks me, "Why don't you have more to show for these things that concern you so much?"  In response, I say, out of organic recognition, "I am scared, confused, and these subjects have alienated me my from my innermost family members, who I need the most, now."  I repeat this to her three times, because it carries more significance than she leads on.

"I am scared, I am confused, and these subjects have alienated me from my innermost family members, who I need the most, now."

In essence, what she's saying to me is, "Show me the money, Jerry.  Show me the money!!"  The things I am pursuing, such as 9/11 truth, non-war, and a better monetary system, generally do not offer payouts and, frankly, there are enormous resources and momentum against changing these things.  In fact, people get paid millions and millions of dollars to keep their mouths shut about 9/11.  It is David fighting Goliath, but the cliche rings true, I have God on my side.  Maybe the people behind 9/11 have the highest intentions (my brain hurts trying to imagine it), but the level of deception and war they pursue are just wrong anyway you look at it.  It's just wrong and we need to elevate ourselves beyond such misguided actions, as humans. 

The main issue that has driven me into this position is admittedly 9/11.  My father thinks its blasphemy and we have chosen as our method of dealing with it to not speak of it.  I would love to do this, but this fact remains:  until he comes to terms with the truth about 9/11 within himself, he will continue to misunderstand me.  He needs to understand 9/11 truth to understand me, for I have chosen it as an issue to pursue in my life because I see it as both very important and valuable.  I cannot be told by him to do all these things differently in my life because these sentiments arise out of a fundamental lack of understanding of the reasons I pursue the subject.  He wishes I would pursue something else, and I absolutely have other talents and pursue other things, but this is really important, now. 

They say hindsight is 20/20.  Looking back on the past few years, I see a phase coming to a distinct end.  In the past, I have tried fighting brashly against the belief in the official story.  I have tried to maintain my silence to avoid the subject with people.  I have tried to brush it under the rug.  But the subject keeps coming back up for people my father and sister, because they do not understand my passion and dedication.  It is a war, plain and simple and I will not give up.  People need to understand this issue, for it defines opinions and worldviews.  And as long as the propaganda masters continue the lies, I will continue offering my voice in opposition.  It is my choice, and I have come to the conclusion that I have no choice than to pursue this to its completion.  I am dedicated and will not succumb to arguments about this. 

In the height of desperation, after two days of talking about the problems within me, within her, between us and my dad, and society surrounding 9/11, I yelled to her with pleading, "This is not an argument!  This is not an argument!!"  9/11 is not about opinions, it's not about being right or wrong.  You cannot win this argument, whichever side you are on.  You cannot win.  We are all losers in this, all I am trying to do is right the ship and close the gap between me and her and my father and others.  This is not about semantic wordplays or other subjects.  This is about righting the wrong that is 9/11, it's about looking at history correctly, not falling prey to the gambits of tyrannical leaders.  It is about saying standing up for what is right.  It's is not a game, it is real. 

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